Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.

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“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.


When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around


It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.


WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.


[being chased around my house by a murderer]


ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on


“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*


Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart


Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork


I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.