@mattgallo123

Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.

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@badbanana

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

@KimmyMonte

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

@McFluffy537

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

@Voiceofgarth

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

@ArfMeasures

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

@lilnatebigworld

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

@envydatropic

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

@DocAtCDI

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.