passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
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Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
titanic
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?