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Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Go girl power!
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My sex drive has a dui
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Waiting for the Charmin
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?