Not to brag, but all 6 of my previous therapists are having successful careers in different fields now

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I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.


You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.


The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.


I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.


I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.


“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”


Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”


social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough


[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.


Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?