@LoveNLunchmeat

Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”

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@jackiembouvier

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

@vikkaroni

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

@KizerBillhelm

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

@sliver_of

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

@PajamaStew

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

@Swishergirl24

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

@danwlin

12:00am – Government shuts down

12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again

12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero

12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana

12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient

@robfromonline

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there