*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*