I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”
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I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
12:00am – Government shuts down
12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again
12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero
12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana
12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there