More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
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*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Did my cat write this
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.