Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
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Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
This a good idea
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
anyone else like Italian cereal
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?