Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.