Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
You Might Also Like
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
men, we mow at sunrise.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I wish I were this cool 😂
The prophecy is fulfilled
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you