Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
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Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
This is the best one I’ve seen
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Yup
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Meat Cute
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.