Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
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Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.