Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
You Might Also Like
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
that’s really how it is
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.