[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
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Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
White Castle for the Win
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
“The Perfect Relationship”
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can