Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
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Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”