@sarcasticmommy4

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

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@MsLisaM

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

@Gupton68

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

@Fred_Delicious

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

@PaperWash

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

@SouthernStylin1

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

@JohnLyonTweets

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

@TheBeerGuy73

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

@WilliamAder

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

@NewDadNotes

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.