*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
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I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.