Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

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*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *


I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.


[arrives at the gates of hell]
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“Huh. List says Garfield”


I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice


Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me


This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.


The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.


My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.


Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.


Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.