Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
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I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.