High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
You Might Also Like
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Whisper out to librarians!
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
Me: when is the pizza ready?
Dad: will you wait!
Me: I DID MY WAITING
Dad: oh god no
Me: TWELVE YEARS
Dad: not again
Me: IN AZKABAN
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
M: oh for the bath?
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.