They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
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*helping son with math problem*
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
this Uber is whipping me around doin 70 in a 40 and he’s still getting 5 stars because he hasn’t said a damn word to me . He knows
In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.
*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*
“You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads”
3 eyed grandson “really?”
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
M: The MOST annoying?
M: I’ll take it.
I may be delusional, but at least every single person I’ve ever met is in love with me