Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
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My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
The sacred texts.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.