Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

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High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years


First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.


“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]



I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.


printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan


Me: when is the pizza ready?
Dad: will you wait!
Dad: oh god no
Dad: not again


Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no


Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.


[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.