Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
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I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
#Caturday
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.