If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
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A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Who knew!
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”