@bourgeoisalien: Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
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@lisaxy424: It's actually a good thing money doesn't grow on trees because I've killed every plant I've ever owned.
@KeetPotato: [tortoise arguing with his gf] "FINE IM LEAVING" FINE [6 minutes later] are you going or not? "THIS IS AS FAST AS I CAN GO KAREN"
@hippieswordfish: WAITER: what can i get you ME: what do you recommend WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat