When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
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Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.
My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, ‘that’s how many teeth adult humans have’.
I sure hope he asks me out again.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.
I put the “m” in illiterate
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?