@cravin4

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

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@NoogsCorner

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

@Average_Dad1

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

@LeeryLeary

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

@protolalia

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

@MotleyTheMutt

Dear Science,

You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama.

That is all. Send.

@UncleDuke1969

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

@3sunzzz

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

@Dr_powpow

Well, well, well, if it isn’t my inability to cope with life.