Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
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1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
🙀🙀🙀😹