Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

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When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.


I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.


My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.


You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.


My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, ‘that’s how many teeth adult humans have’.

I sure hope he asks me out again.


Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.


Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*


me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?