Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes
nurse: sir if we don’t use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.
My cardio is mostly just running out of excuses not to exercise.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still