Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

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A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name


[ear is bleeding for 3 days straight] hmm better keep an eye on that.
[laptop slow for one second] i gotta run AdWare & antivirus right now


Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.


Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.


911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail


my mom used to watch jeopardy early on a different city’s channel so that when she would watch it w my dad later she’d know all the answers. she’s still never told him so he’s been under the impression that she’s a genius this whole time


You want to sext?
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*


I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.