Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
You Might Also Like
Cartman: Respect my
a a
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.