@AmishPornStar1

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

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@ham_why

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

@The_Albinoshrek

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

@Skoogeth

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

@truegritrumble

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

@dubiousrhetoric

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

@captainkalvis

me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes

nurse: sir if we don’t use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good

@Sassafrantz

[lays down]
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.

@SabyForrester

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”