Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

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Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough


Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese


dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol


Greatest Fears:
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks


VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.


me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes

nurse: sir if we don’t use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good


[lays down]
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.


“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”