Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
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“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.