@EmissaryKerry

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

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@too_chihuahua

Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
“WHAT”
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”

@OMGSoOverIt

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

@Steelers1972

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

@novicefather

Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.

@behindyourback

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

@johnistoasted

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

@squirrel74wkgn

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.