I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
felt that
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
*puts cutlery down*
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.