Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
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BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Hey I worked for it too!
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.