Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.