Me, after a minor inconvenience:
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About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”