Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
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Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed