Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
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Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me