@RunOldMan

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

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@shwebby3

Her: Are you okay?

Me: Yea, Great! This isn’t even my blood!

@DothTheDoth

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

@darkmatter_wimp

Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”

God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”

Satan: “Dude…”

@Ginlicker

You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?

@ZombieProblms

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

@EliTerry

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

@iwearaonesie

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

@GrantTanaka

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve