Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
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I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.