Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
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Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.