Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.