Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
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Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.