@realHamOnWry

Not to brag, but my car now gets 3 months per gallon.

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@msmessymist

Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!

@jellybnbonanza

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

@bigsharkguy

Jaws gets a 1/10 for me because it doesn’t end with a black screen reading “fin”

@1MeLrO

At what age do you say never again and actually mean it.

@2thestreetz

*lights scented candle*

*accidentally burns down house*

*everyone agreed that it smelled amazing*

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

@WheelTod

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

@jwoodham

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.