“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
You Might Also Like
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My birth announcement for our third baby
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
So true for me
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.