Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
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I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Lassie, get help!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?