Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
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My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
#catsoftwitter
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.