Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
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<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.