@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

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@AtticusFinch79

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

@ArfMeasures

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

@briangaar

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

@Bob_Heller

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

@autocorrects

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

@i_Lean

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

@TheBoydP

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.