Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
*on the phone*
God: I’ve read it
God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots
God: A meteor
God: No warranty, no
God: I tampered with Pangea
God: You think I don’t know that?
God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT
Batman: Who’s he talking to
Robin: Holy tech support Batman
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
‘Find a guy who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara ‘ lol mate ruin any part of my makeup nd ur gettin smacked down
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
I’m dying right now 😂
The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.
“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys