Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Fidel Castro was alive?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.