Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
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It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”