Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

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Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?


Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.


Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday.

Everyone’s invited.

Except Harold. HE said I’d NEVER find true love.


I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, “Proud parent of your wife’s kid.”







-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house


When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?


My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.


[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”


When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.