Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery