@better_off_dad2

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

You Might Also Like

@SteveSuckington

Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?

@my_minivan_life

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

@DumbConfessions

Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday.

Everyone’s invited.

Except Harold. HE said I’d NEVER find true love.

@Reverend_Scott

I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, “Proud parent of your wife’s kid.”

@mydmac

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

@starsnbars7

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

@simoncholland

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

@WildeThingy

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

@ddsmidt

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.