Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

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When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire


Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.


I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.



CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CENTURION: when is it tho


A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.


A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.


THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree


I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in


It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water