Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.