@Gupton68

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

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@PoodleSnarf

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

@lilgapeach30

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

@FrankConniff

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

@dad_on_my_feet

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

@dril

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

@Lin_Baker

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

@meganamram

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water