Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
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Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.