Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
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The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
just witnessed a drug deal
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?