@TheBoydP

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

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@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

@pattymo

Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago

@str8upjuggahos

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

@TheAndrewNadeau

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

@Perilandra

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

@atthecubicle

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.