My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
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Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.