@TheBoydP

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

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@crylenol

I crunched the numbers and this is just incredible. what isn’t he telling us. #Sharknado3

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

@Shut_up_Marissa

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

@AverageCorners

11: Did it rain last night?

Me: No.

11: But it’s so wet!

Me: That’s what she said.

11: What?

Me: What?

@kibblesmith

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

@uhhmmily

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

@WineMummy

It’s perfectly acceptable to put on a hockey mask and chase someone today.

@ch000ch

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

@AbbieEvansXO

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

@awkwardenabled

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that