I crunched the numbers and this is just incredible. what isn’t he telling us. #Sharknado3
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
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God: you’re a dog.
God: the humans are gonna love you.
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
11: Did it rain last night?
11: But it’s so wet!
Me: That’s what she said.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
It’s perfectly acceptable to put on a hockey mask and chase someone today.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5: You don’t need to worry about that