@Sir_Strange

Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.

You Might Also Like

@kimtopher22

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

@ADHDeanASL

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?

@duplicitron

Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

@robfromonline

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

@Springaling85

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

@dafloydsta

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

@SteveSuckington

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”