“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
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When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
My body is a temple
Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?
Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”