Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.

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“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.


When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches


Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?


Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.


[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]


cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there


Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day


Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.


“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?