being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
You Might Also Like
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot