Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
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I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Well, this explains it:
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
dam girl
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I have no passwords left in me
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.