I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
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ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
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me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.