FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
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It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?