@KateWhineHall

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

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@vangobot

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

@CVTBaby

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

@vikkaroni

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

@Jn1fer

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

@UnFitz

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

@maughammom

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

@Tmoney68

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

@DrakeGatsby

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?