Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
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Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
The options really are this bad
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.