@Matt_The_1st

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

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@capnwatsisname

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

@VisionBored1

FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.

@Ideal_Victoria

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

@bIessbaby

over 7 billion people in this world and u think I’m gonna chase someone who doesn’t even want me? hahaha

that’s exactly what I’m gonna do

@squirrel74wkgn

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

@serhawke

Sex is cool but have you ever stood in your kitchen shovelling shredded mozzarella into your mouth straight from the bag like a goblin who’s just escaped after being held captive underground for 47 years and broken into a store that specifically only sells bags of shredded cheese

@chiekshere

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

@ItsSamG

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

@GrantTanaka

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

@jergarl

You’re doing really well now please pull into this liquor store do you want anything?

-Me as a Drivers Ed teacher