Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

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WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them


FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.


[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?


over 7 billion people in this world and u think I’m gonna chase someone who doesn’t even want me? hahaha

that’s exactly what I’m gonna do


No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.


Sex is cool but have you ever stood in your kitchen shovelling shredded mozzarella into your mouth straight from the bag like a goblin who’s just escaped after being held captive underground for 47 years and broken into a store that specifically only sells bags of shredded cheese


Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u


Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows


kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people


You’re doing really well now please pull into this liquor store do you want anything?

-Me as a Drivers Ed teacher