Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
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Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
CRYING
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
There’s only one good girl here!
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one