not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

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My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.


If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.


6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.


purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?


No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.


[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*