My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
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If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*