Not to get technical, but according to Chemistry…Alcohol is a solution.

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I don’t wish death on anyone, but I do wish malicious glitter on many.


When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.


Favorite cannibal movies:
3) Cannibal Holocaust
2) Cannibal Ferox
1) She’s Having a Baby


If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.


I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.


I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.


What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”


If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.


I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”