@CheryeDavis

Not to get technical, but according to Chemistry…Alcohol is a solution.

Not to get technical, but according to Chemistry…Alcohol is a solution.

- @CheryeDavis

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@sixfootcandy

Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.

@lisaxy424

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

@3BlindMike

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

@ThaJawn

Pro Tip

Jehovah’s Witnesses will do anything to talk to you, including your dishes and laundry

Try it

@LeftAtLondon

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

@robfee

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

@Sickayduh

Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients?

Me: Well, I’m just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces

@kumailn

“You calling them Nazis is what turned them into Nazis.”
I’ve been calling my cat a “gorgeous little muffin” for years so now I’m terrified.