@CheryeDavis

Not to get technical, but according to Chemistry…Alcohol is a solution.

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@Grommit56

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

@SortaBad

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

@withanewname

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

@dulcetry

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

@NurseSeymour

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

@karanbirtinna

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

@MattTheBrand

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

@GensPlace

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

@Milariou

It’s all fun and games until you notice the “rocket” in your son’s Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.

@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.