Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Not to get technical, but according to Chemistry…Alcohol is a solution.
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2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
It’s all fun and games until you notice the “rocket” in your son’s Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.