Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I love it all
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
congratulations to them
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
mumsnet is amazing
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Happy Caturday!
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.