@CheryeDavis

Not to get technical, but according to Chemistry…Alcohol is a solution.

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@pnwwildflower

I don’t wish death on anyone, but I do wish malicious glitter on many.

@causticbob

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

@ScorpionDong

Favorite cannibal movies:
3) Cannibal Holocaust
2) Cannibal Ferox
1) She’s Having a Baby

@internetluke

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

@ConanOBrien

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

@Breadery

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

@ESXIII

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

@EllaZee5

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

@BillyCorben

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”