my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
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You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Him: What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god?
Me: oh, um, science.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
ME: Putting habanero juice in-