@piranhapanorama

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

You Might Also Like

@markedly

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

@InternetHippo

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

@lifecoachfit

Him: What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god?

Me: oh, um, science.

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

@aotakeo

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

@Dutch_50

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

@KizerBillhelm

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

@ficklenuts

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-