Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
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Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud